Archive | February, 2013

Cuddling Season!!!! PUKE

25 Feb

It’s winter. We all know what that means…. Relationship season! You know it’s true. All of your friends are getting into relationships, making sure to document it all for our viewing pleasure on Facebook. Statuses, pictures, check-ins and all the cheesy love quotes your brain can handle – we get the whole 9 yards whether we like it or not. I may be PROUDLY single but don’t get me wrong, having a relationship during the cold winter months does have its perks.

During this season, we single girls try to compensate with other more tangible things… like SHOES. I mean seriously, who can have too many shoes? (Right….????) However, you can’t cuddle with your shoes like you can a boyfriend. (May I tried.. KIDDING). Seriously, don’t try it. You’ll wind up in the hospital and then not only will you not have a boyfriend but also you won’t even have your shoes! We also may drink. A lot. There is nothing like heading out to Hoboken with your friends on a Saturday night. But wait, who’s going to hold your hair back when you get sick and your BFF is too preoccupied to notice because she’s busy flirting with the bartender?

There goes another friend, taken by the season.  You may think your life is over, but don’t fret, my friends. We have been through this pattern before. It’s February now, so wait about, hmmm, 4 months. It’ll be summer. We all know what that means…. Breakup season! Bring on the Adele lyrics! After the sadness wears off and you get all your friends

How to say ?I?m not interested…”

25 Feb

Ladies, how many times have you been in the dreaded situation where a guy asks to buy you a drink, but you’re stuck in a sinkhole of a moral dilemma. Do you just blurt out, “NOPE, NOT INTERESTED!” Or, do you accept the drink and play along with the conversation until you feel you’ve fulfilled your obligation to suffer for accepting a free drink? Or, do you try to lay him down easy, saying “no” without flatly rejecting him?

You know the moment when you see that boy from across the bar slowly walking, rehearsing his lame, lazy pickup lines in his head, and finally making his way to your girlfriends and you. (Please note: That this 10 second walk from point A to point B is the only cardio this boy has seen in a week). You can see the sweat on his fingertips, as he licks his dry lips from finally gaining the confidence to approach you; you already see he has no confidence because he’s got a shy, sheepish smile on his face as his keeps glancing to the ground, with his eyes darting left and right, making him seem like a neurotic person. Then he utters (and probably stumbles and stutters) the question most dreaded and despised by single girls everywhere: “Can I buy you a drink?”(To all the girls in relationships, in your world, the worst words are “we need to talk”).

You’re stuck, trapped. There is no way of getting out of the chair your butt is planted in, although you’re mad because you took an hour picking out those pants that make your butt look the best. A girl doesn’t need a diploma from an Ivy League school to master the “I’m not interested” getaway, but it does take practice, time, and a whole lot of patience if you want to do it the right way. Of course, this is really only an issue for girls who try to only accept free drinks from guys they’re potentially interested in. Some girls just say “to hell with it!” and take a drink from anyone who offers, but that takes some serious balls because 90% of the time you’ll be taking the drink and walking away immediately. (My hat is off to you!) Essentially, this is for those of us who actually have souls and don’t want to stomp all over the hopes and dreams of the single men out there.

So, how do we lay them down easy? When I’m out, I know that the only way I’ll accept a free drink from a man is if I’m interested in him, and I’ve learned to adopt that strategy the hard way…trust me. When a man (or, most likely, a boy) offers to buy you a drink, he is not doing this out of the kindness of his unselfish heart. No ladies, he’s doing this to up his chances in getting your number, and possibly kissing you in the most drunken sloppy way one can imagine. Also, when a man offers to buy you a drink, he also thinks this is his way of “buying” time with you. In his head he thinks, “If I buy her a drink, she will stay with me the entire night!” So, the question is, do you take that drink from Mr. Creepy? Hell no!

This is why I don’t accept drinks from boys whom I am not interested in. The feeling of obligation, in my mind, is one of the worst feelings one can have; I’d rather sit at a bar sober than be forced to hang out with a loser. (Okay, I lied; I would rather punch myself in the face than sit at a bar sober).           So,my job is to help you out for when you are enjoying a night out and that nervous wreck of a boy does come up to you, how do you keep your cool, and say “get the hell away from me” in a polite, respectful womanly manner that isn’t soul-crushingly mean, and in such a fashion that the boys you ARE interested in at the bar aren’t scared away, or even notified of your manner of rejection? Here are some ways to say, “I am not interested” without saying “I am not interested…you freak!”

1) As he approaches you and asks to get you a drink, just sit there in complete silence, staring straight ahead. Although he saw you talking before, maybe he thinks he was hallucinating and you truly are mute and or deaf. Or he’ll think you just had a sudden revelation that literally blew your mind. Don’t mind him, he’ll walk away totally confused rather feeling like his ego was stomped on like a lit cigarette. Alas, this pain is only temporary, and he shall live on.

2) “Can I buy you a drink?” he’ll politely ask you, and as you are holding your fruity “cranberry and vodka” (although you “swear you can drink like the guys”) you look him straight in the face and say, “I’m sorry I don’t drink”. He’ll be more confused than hurt, and he will walk away embarrassed, so it’s a win/win.

3) The cliché, overused, yet a fleeting amount of fun: The “I’m a lesbian” card. As he’s rambling on about how cute you are, slowly grab your girlfriend’s dainty hand and hold on to it, nice and gently, maybe even rest your head on her delicate shoulder. As he’s staring and imagining reenactments of Wild Things 3, simply say, “I’m a lesbian, and I just came out yesterday! This is our coming out party!” He’ll be more baffled by the sexiness of the fake mental images you just gave him than he’ll be offended for being turned down.

4)“I’m dating my cat”. No guy likes a cat lady, easy escape!

5) If he asks you your name, say you are Sacajawea and you have traveled across the world to come to this beautiful bar (Even if you’re at the amazingly trashy Bahama Mama’s in Hoboken). Then say you don’t know English, in the most pronounced English you’ve ever said, then begin making birdcalls. (Not too loud, remember, you still want to meet one of the guys there you are actually interested in.)

6) Say you are 4 months pregnant, and that you cannot drink. If he still lingers after you’ve said that, suggest a mental institution immediately, or tell him your husband is on his way to pick you up.

7) Your boyfriend who was just drafted to the NFL is in the bathroom and will be coming out soon. Works flawlessly if you know some of the names of the players on the local NFL team. Trust me, deadpanning that you’re “dating Patrick Willis and he’s currently in the bathroom, but will be out shortly” will send that inferior man away from you faster than if you told him you had the same of certain genitalia organs with him.

8)” I’m going through my third divorce right now, my streak with men is not so good right now”. To a guy, a woman going through divorce isn’t so attractive, because that leaves the possibility of her being crazy or a serial cheater (hence the divorce), so no guy will feel up to that particular challenge. Especially if it’s your imaginary third divorce. He’s gone in no time.

9) “I drove, so I’m not drinking!” Obviously this works best if you’re drinking a vodka soda so that it’s all clear and can pass for water. However, no guy will question you saying that even if you’re chugging 151 and breathing out fire flames. No drunk guy will try to hit on a sober girl; that strategy will fail every single time, so he’ll leave to find another willing, drunk target.

10)   “I actually have a bad time keeping alcohol in, so unless you want to be thrown up on, I suggest you move a bit to the left”. Nice, gross and to the point. Yuck. Upon hearing that, you’ll see his eyes widen and his eyes screaming “ABORT ABORT ABORT!”

11)   “Honey, no amount of protection can stop you from catching what I’m throwing out there” and wink. Use this only if you’re OK with coming off as a hooker to a random guy. Either way, he’s grossed out and will be out of the picture ASAP. Unless he has AIDS, then he’s fearless in the face of sexual infections. At that point, drop everything and run..but don’t forget your drink.

12) “I’d rather you just hand me cash instead” (Hold your hand out). This is so unbelievably rude and to the point that the guy will just become numb, utterly powerless and defenseless against you. You called him out and your brutal honesty disarmed him in two seconds flat. If only the CIA knew how to disable attacking targets as quickly and effectively.

13)   “Hold on my moms here somewhere, she just needs to meet you before I accept any drink. Hold on!” Ah, bringing good old mother into the routine to complete the whole “goody two shoes” act. That tells the guy two things: you might be crazy, and he is definitely not getting lucky with you later. Depending on how drunk he is, that realization will soon come to him, and he’ll escape quickly.

14)   “Let me just take a picture of you and send it to my psychic, she usually is dead on with her predictions! Smile!” Congratulations! With this one, you set off every red flag, this-one-is-crazy alarm installed in this poor guy’s head, even if it is total BS. Don’t forget to laugh as he turns around and runs away from you, and likely falling face-first into the crowd of dancers.

See girls, those are just to name a few. Rejection isn’t rocket science; it’s all a matter of how you want to play the game. Make it fun for yourself, but really try not to cause irreparable damage to this guy’s self-esteem. Of course, you can always just say “no”, but why not make the night a little more exciting? Try a different idea with each new clueless, misguided soul trying get with you, and your night will be ever the merrier!

Our Journey

25 Feb

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Hello girls, women of all ages, and even you boys behind your Macbooks! I am The Successful Secure Single Girl ready to take you on a journey of what most girls dread. The single life. Oh come on, it’s not that bad.. Trust me!  Being a 22-year-old girl who’s been out and about– mingling with boys, I have made it my personal decision to stay single, and trust me I don’t mind!

Of course many of you are going to think I’m doing the whole “reverse physiology” trick on myself, but to tell you the truth- I’m not. I don’t find anything wrong with being single, and not once in my 22 years of living have I ever put myself down for being single……..not even on Valentine’s Day!

This website here is to give you girls (and boys) lessons, stories, and personal opinions on the Single Life. I’m sick of hearing so many girls complain to one another about how their life “sucks because they don’t have a boyfriend”. To be honest, I think your life would suck more if you did have a boyfriend. Thinking about all those texts “where are you?” “Who are you with?” “Hello?” are a few examples of texts I just get anxiety about thinking about answering.

 

So here is my fair warning – if you are one of those girls who hate the single life— LEAVE NOW, but I promise you if you stay you will not say you regretted this wise decision.

(Yes it is in small print………..I want you all to stay!)